And way behind again...

Back to the beginning it seems. At least here on the wonderful world of blog. We have reached October. Looking back it shows the last time I posted was back in January when we were at the start of a very long stay in Memphis.

Now St. Jude has done a lot for my son, and I appreciate that. Of course we are finally getting home and getting settled back in. Time to either restart my business or find a job somewhere that they will be willing to work with our scheduling needs. Fun, fun, fun!!

When last I posted there was a lot going on. Tempers flaring, tensions rising. All out on the brink of war due to a serious lack in comunication. A lot has changed since then, plus I also need to clear some things up.

The comment made about my father-in-law was in no way meant to be offensive. We had earlier that day had a difference of oppinions, as I already stated due to lack of communication, and my temper flared as I thought about some of the exchange. He has provided us with more help than anyone else has. The man has actually gone above and beyond by helping us out by getting us a granted used, but still new to us Jeep Grand Cherokee so that we had room to travel back and forth comfortably with us and both kids. It is his fuel card, and credit card that help us to make these trips with gas in the vehicle and a hotel room each night while we are on the road. When I made that post I was angry because the way he spojme to me made me feel as if all he could see were the things I keep falling short on, and not everything that was really going on.

The truth is even I'm not really sure here now ten months later the full account of what went on that day. All I do remember is that we were sitting in Memphis because my son had to have an emergancy surgery because of swelling in his brain. Now I would hope that a rational human being would understand that stressful situations and feeling as if you are being attacked do not combine well, and that everyone blows off steam in one fashion or another.

As for the rest of the news. My son is doing great! We have had a significant amount of shrinkage in the tumor. He is behaving and acting much more like his old self again. Now if I could just figure out how to get all the bills caught up, and pay my father in law back for all the help he's given us the rest will be golden.

There comes a point.....

Well what we have here is a simple matter of running down both mentally and physically. It's time to file taxes, I know I need to find a job, my wife needs help taking care of the kids, and my son has an illness that is difficult to treat much less expect him to be able to function well. So that leads me to ask... Exactly what am I to be expected to be able to do about it?

Let's see I am the one who has to be able to lift and move him. Yet I'm getting to the point I'm so worn out that when I attempt to I feel like I'm either going to drop him, fall on him, or just shaking him around too much as trying tolift him onto the bed or possition him as he wants to be in the chair or on the couch. Have to get up with him at night to help him go potty as I have to hold him up, or just to reposition him as he's become uncomfortable where he is laying. Next issue, I have been unemployed save for part time as able to go, since he was diagnosed. This is because I cannot leave it on my wife to attempt to take care of both kids one who just doesn't stop, and the other needs to be fully cared for at the present time. She can't lift him or move him by herself, and he really can't help. My son keeps getting up throughout the night,and takes longer andlonger naps during the day. While my daughter sleeps like a rock all night and refuses to take even a small nap during the day. So where am I to take even a small break and get any rest at all?

My father-In-Law is fussing that I need to "Get off my ass, and get a job." Even though I already have one that is able and willing to work with my scheduling needs when I can actually go in. Now this adds extra stress on me, as if I don't have enough already, since he doesn't seem to want to help unless it's on his terms. At least not on the home side front here. He comes home from work, and rather than attempting to find something to do/ or even watch something on TV as a family, he heads straight to his bedroom and if we are lucky we see him long enough for him to fuss about something or say good night to the kids. Now don't get me wrong he has been a wonderful help in other aspects.

I also understand where he's coming from with the need to get a job that I can better work the hours, but inorder for me to do that I need to know for a fact that my wife has help with the kids while I'm at work. Otherwise I'd get the money together and finish my CDL training and go to work in trucking. Then I know we could get everything settled withiin 6 months at the most.

I know I need to be able toi work more. Hell I have a student loan to make payments on, Child Support ( since my ex and her hubby won't get a move on and complete the adoption they asked for) of more than $300 per month that I'm behind on, as well as all other normal bills. So yes I already know I need to get back to work. So any ideas while my son is so sick that he literally has to be lifted and held just so he can piss mush less get dressed or move from seat to table?

The kids won't stop fighting. Silly stuff... One wants the radio on and the other doesn't. Ten minutes later they change what they want. The one who wanted it on now wants it off,and the one who didn't wantit now wants toleave it on. This of course is just one example. Many, many more. Some about whogets to sit where, who gets to play with what toy, you get the idea.

I have to handle the taxes, keeping track of needs, helping in every way possible. I really am trying to do everything that I can, but it seems that every time I turn around nomatter how much I try to help or what I've done...I either haven't done enough, haven't done it right, forgot to do something that was apparently really important that I don't even remember being told about.

Don't get me wrong I know my wife has a lot going on too. She's the one dealing with the Dr.'s, keeping track of who says what, what family member wants what questions asked, what the responses to those questions are, trying to put up with the same issues with the kids trying to kill each other as best they can as I have to. How she keeps up, puts up with all of this, and me getting shorter and shorter and temper, having trouble even holding myself up much less the kids. I'm actually somewhat surprised she hasn't picked up a baseball bat, beat the hell out of me, and told me to leave yet... Course maybe that's because we're here at St. Jude again instead of at home with her trusty Louisville Slugger.... Who knows?

I truly love my family more than anything. I'm courious though as to exactly how far a person can push themselves mentally and physically without any real rest or break before they actually crack and fall?

And on we go.....

Well here we goon another roller coaster ride. Found out yesterday that the reason we seem to not be showiung improvement is because the areas we were told is Necrosis is actually a cist that hasbeen in the center of the tumor since the beginning. Now we have to decide what we are going to do. An option is another surgery. This one will drain the cist thereby reducing the the swelling and the damaged area.

So now I have to wonder... If this cist has been there since the beginning why are we just now hearing about it with all the Dr's that have already viewed the scans? I mean that many people who are supposed toknow what they're looking at, why didn't they see this before? Guess we'll figure all that out when we go to our appointments today.

Beyond tired.....

Well here we are back at Grizzlies House on St. Jude campus in Memphis. We had to come back for an emergency shunt surgery for my son. After two nights in the hospital we spent last night here in the room together. He seems disoriented when he wakes from sleeping be it nap or long night sleep. Kelly is also down not feeling well, and our daughter is into everything as always. I'm getting to the point that to call this exhaustion would be an understatement. How long can a personkeep going after they've gotten to the point that they can't stop shaking doing simple task like lifting a spoon to your son's mouth so he can eat?

I believe they may be moving us back to Ronald McDonald House tomorrow, but I am not certain. Hopefully we will know something more after the MRI tomorrow. In the meantime everyone have a wonderful day.

And sparks went flying!!

WOW!! Ok second day on the road heading back to St. Jude to have asurgery done to put a shunt in my son's head we head a small problem. Now here we sit third day at a hotel that was not part of our planned stops and less than half way to our destination. Seventy miles an hour and SNAP!!! the sparks were flying, and our own rear tire was trying to pass us while slapping against the passenger side of the Jeep.

So now we are waiting for the shop to replace the rear end of the Jeep, and hopefully have the truck back today so we can be back on the road tomorrow morning. In the mean time we are trying to figure out how to get lunch without going broke. If anyone would like moreinformation about what's happening check out his web site http://www.helpingmrelric.com/ .

Here I go again...

Well it seems the job I found isn't going to work out. I need to be able to work a schedule that will allow me to help with Dr. visits and such. So I may be trying to go back to delivering Pizzas for the time being. Then I can work evenings instead of days. At least then the only major thing I'd not be here to help with is bedtime, and we can find a way to work something out for that.

I think what I'm going to attempt to do if I can get back to delivery is put aside a set amount from each shift worked as far as tips go, add that to whatever we miraculously get from tax returns, and hold it apart from everything else so we can use that to move and make ends meet while I do the CDL Training to go on the road as a trucker. As I said before I feel very confident that once I can get my CDL and start trucking it should only be a matter of six to eight months before we can get everything on a perfectly even keel allowing us to move out and get our own place.

That seems to be about it for my ranting for now. We'll see what happens as the day progresses. I guess it will all depend on how my father in law acts when he gets home today. Will he be decent or a dick like he was yesterday?

WOW!! I'm way behind...

Well it seems I'm really slipping on the daily update and post thing. LOL... Well anyone who knows what's happening should understand. We've been busy trying to maintain and keep things going for my son. A lot of time at the Dr. since Friday, and still more coming up.

I got up this morning after having to take off Friday and yesterday, and I went in to work. Only to see a new face there and be told I was not expected in today. I have to either go in late or take the day off tomorrow because of more Dr.'s appointments, and have to leave early on Friday for the same. Anyone who has been following knows that what I really would like to do and feel would be most beneficial for my family is go to work as a trucker. Still I am basically a gofer at a local mechanic shop.

The problem is I can't leave my family for that long to complete training with a company that may or may not understand the situation and be willing to work with my scheduling needs. At least not right now. If my son were doing better than perhaps it would be an option. If he wasn't sick at all then I would have already started down this path and we would not still be living with my Father In Law. Alas that is not the hand we were dealt. I managed to find somewhere that would understand what is happening and work with my scheduling needs. Problem is this is not going to make the bills if I can't figure something out. I'm considering maybe I should go back to delivering pizza since they are open later and perhaps I could work out a schedule that would allow me to pull more hours in the hopes of making ends meet. Problem is then I abandon my lovely wife to have to tend to both kids at bed time.

Normally this should be easy, but my son is sleeping downstairs on the couch because we just can't get him up the stairs. It would be too dangerous for him to try. My daughter has to go upstairs to her bed for night night time. So arrises the question. If I'm not here to help, then how does she get one upstairs and not have to leave the other alone. Especially during the times that my Father In Law is traveling and won't be there to help. At the same time... This is the only way I can think of to stop cutting our own throats by having to miss available work hours to be able to help. The more I think about this the worse it's getting. I feel like I'm in one of those positions of "damned if you do and damned if you don't". So what the hell am I to do? I need to work enough to cover bills, but I can't leave it to fall on my wife to have to do everything. Basically I'm lost, and the longer this takes to figure out, the more stressed I'm getting about it.

My son's Birthday Update...

Well today was my son's birthday. Eight years old! We asked him after dinner just before getting ready to take his meds if he'd had a good day, and we were about floored when he said "no". Seems that in spite of everything he got better for a while during the time we were at St. Jude, and now he is getting.... well worse again. He's having trouble walking. Some difficulty forming his words. He has also developed a slight .... tremor or jerkiness on his left side when trying to use his left arm now.

He got up this morning doing well, and quickly faded. He is becoming tired very rapidly after little movement or exertion. Worst of all he gagged on his meds this evening so had to have a snack before bed in order to refill his tummy due to the loss of his dinner, birthday cake, and ice cream.... Many things that I would like to say on this part, but I shall refrain as I know I offend enough people already. I am trying to keep from doing that as much any more.

And search goes on....

Well here I sit having pretty much exhausted all numbers in the phone book for local Courier jobs. Still wishing I could make things come together so as I could persue the CDL job since I honestly believe that is the best way to be able to bring it all together and fully support my family. Of course when you have a CDL Learner's, but can't afford the schooling your options are limited. When you have a child with medical needs your oprtions are even further limited by the need to work around a certain schedule.

I want to get my family out of here and moved to Memphis area. Once we could do that I would be able to relax my scheduling needs because they would be right by the hospital they will be traveling to every eight weeks anyway. Plus we could then have all of his visits, both monthly check ups and the eight week visits all in the same place. Problem is I need the founding to be able to get the move done, a garantee of being able to find a job that will allow me to cover bills and necessities after the move, and if I could find the funding to cover houshold needs as well as my personal needs for the time of training I could cover all of that.

The way I have it figured is simple. Most Trucking companies start a driver out around $33,000 to $35,000 a year. Now this is an average so it could be lower, but depending on if you can show promise and the fact of being worth your weight likely you could make more than that. so if you figure it up simply at say 25 cents per mile to start. Average work day is 14 hours with 11 hours of drive time the other 3 hours are reserved for Pre Trip vehichle inspection, weigh stations ( scales ), Stops for meals and fuel, etc. etc. So let's say your stuck on the East Coast. Average speed after you figure Changes from state to state of 55-70 miles per hour we'll say an average of 60 miles per hour for all drive time. 11 hours a day times 60 miles per hour, equals an average of 660 miles per day. General drive before required time reset will average about 6 days then one day sitting so 660 times 6 is equal to approximately 3,960 miles per week. (Now of course this is an approximation most likely for a new driver the miles will be a bit lower, but I'm looking at possible averages here.) So back to the estimate. At 3,960 miles per week paid at 25 cents per mile we could easily say that one could average (as a new driver) a gross pay of approximately $990 per week. In rough estimate that is the equivilant of rough twice the salary of a new hire with almost any non commercial job or about what most people even after a couple years of service might average for a paycheck every two weeks. Also if you happen to pull that high end average it is the equivilant of $51,480 a year. So yes that is a high estimate of milage since the most any CDL Trucking company will promise to get you in is $33,000 to $35,000 per year.

However, I do have experience as an OTR Frieght Courier using Cargo Vans, Box Trucks, and even personal vehichles as an independent contract courier. So I feel confident that I could easily average the high end of a new hire salary and then some. I have the experience, the drive, desire, and determination to succeed. I just simply need the opportunity to prove myself and obtain my CDL. Anyone out there have any ideas as to how one could legally obtain about $2,000 to hold themselves and family over for about 2 months while waiting for a proper income to begin flowing?

And the search is truly on

Sunday evening and aside from a massive headache all seems well. Ok so here's where I stand now. We have conclusively decided that we need to get out of this house, and want to move to the Memphis area. Of course this means I need to find a job that will certainly allow me to make enough money to cover bills as well as all other needs. I have a phone interview tomorrow, that I would like to believe is promising...

The problem is going to be this.. How can I take a job driving truck over the road knowing how difficult it will be to get them to work with my scheduling needs so long as we are living here.. Two States away from where we need to be? I fully believe that this is the type of position I need to make things happen. Not just happen, but also happen quickly. So that means that simply put I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I feel the need to be here right with my family at all times especially while my son is going through what he is. On the other hand I absolutely must get my family out of here and into our own home. That is where the home needing to be in Memphis comes in. It's there right by St. Jude so my family is as close as possible to where we need to be for my son. I would be able to relax my scheduling needs due to that fact. Which would allow me the ability to pursue any job I needed to in order to make ends meet.

On the down side. The only way we will be able to get there is with either a lot of help from friends and family, or for me to take a job in trucking. I am an experienced freight courier in either a cargo van or up to 19 foot box truck. I still need to go in as inexperienced for trucking as I do not have a CDL Class A only a CDL Learner's Permit. I do however, feel very strongly that not only can I do this and be able to give my family everything they need. I also believe that within 3 - 5 years ( if it takes that long ) I can get us the rest of the way out of debt and set comfortably enough that I can return to just doing a local job somewhere by the house.

So now the true search begins with many things to consider. First if I can land a Trucking job, then am I strong enough to deal with being away from home and family as much as I will have to in order to make it work. Secondly I have to consider the ability to work around strenuous scheduling needs for at least the first 3 - 6 months of employment while gathering the funds to find a home and move my family. Then come the concerns that will need to be faced after the move is completed so therefore have to be considered while looking. Are the school systems good? Is the neighborhood safe for my wife and children? Will they have everything they need while I'm not there?

So many things to consider. In spite of everything that we need to carefully plan to make this work, I truly do not think I can wait any longer to take action and start putting this together. My only prayer is that my family understands that even though I may not truly want to do it this way. I am convinced that this is the best and most sure way to make this happen quickly.

Good Saturday Morning!

Having a bit of a confusing day today. Well I filled out some applications on job posting web sites last night. Each marked with the desire to change location and where we would like to move to. Hopefully one of the companies I applied at will be able and willing to help me complete my CDL and work with my scheduling needs. The way I have it figured if we can move to Memphis and be closer to St. Jude then I wont have to be so particular about my scheduling needs because we'll be right there where we need to be. I still need to make certain that I can be home for at least three days at a time a minimum of once a month even once we can get moved to Memphis. However in the meantime, until we can move there I have to be home in a rotation of at least 3 days a month for Dr.'s appointments, and every eight weeks I have to be home for a week at a time for the follow up visits to St. Jude for check ups and basic "how are we doing" MRI visits. I still think it will difficult at best to find a company that can work with these needs, but I am trying to remain optomistic and going to fill out the applications and talk to the companies anyway in hopes that all will work out for the best. I have to do what is right for my family, and just accepting a job to have a job is not going to be it. I am going to need to insure I can cover the bills and care for my family as needed, which means I need something that will allow me to earn enough so we can get our own place, keep from going back further into debt, and get out of the house we live in currently. We'll see what happens. Everyone wish me luck, and we'll see if some of the trucking companies out there will be as understanding as I believe they will be.