Rantings Of a Mad Man

And way behind again...

2010-10-02T23:19:00.003-04:00

Back to the beginning it seems. At least here on the wonderful world of blog. We have reached October. Looking back it shows the last time I posted was back in January when we were at the start of a very long stay in Memphis.

Now St. Jude has done a lot for my son, and I appreciate that. Of course we are finally getting home and getting settled back in. Time to either restart my business or find a job somewhere that they will be willing to work with our scheduling needs. Fun, fun, fun!!

When last I posted there was a lot going on. Tempers flaring, tensions rising. All out on the brink of war due to a serious lack in comunication. A lot has changed since then, plus I also need to clear some things up.

The comment made about my father-in-law was in no way meant to be offensive. We had earlier that day had a difference of oppinions, as I already stated due to lack of communication, and my temper flared as I thought about some of the exchange. He has provided us with more help than anyone else has. The man has actually gone above and beyond by helping us out by getting us a granted used, but still new to us Jeep Grand Cherokee so that we had room to travel back and forth comfortably with us and both kids. It is his fuel card, and credit card that help us to make these trips with gas in the vehicle and a hotel room each night while we are on the road. When I made that post I was angry because the way he spojme to me made me feel as if all he could see were the things I keep falling short on, and not everything that was really going on.

The truth is even I'm not really sure here now ten months later the full account of what went on that day. All I do remember is that we were sitting in Memphis because my son had to have an emergancy surgery because of swelling in his brain. Now I would hope that a rational human being would understand that stressful situations and feeling as if you are being attacked do not combine well, and that everyone blows off steam in one fashion or another.

As for the rest of the news. My son is doing great! We have had a significant amount of shrinkage in the tumor. He is behaving and acting much more like his old self again. Now if I could just figure out how to get all the bills caught up, and pay my father in law back for all the help he's given us the rest will be golden.

There comes a point.....

2010-01-30T17:27:00.002-05:00

Well what we have here is a simple matter of running down both mentally and physically. It's time to file taxes, I know I need to find a job, my wife needs help taking care of the kids, and my son has an illness that is difficult to treat much less expect him to be able to function well. So that leads me to ask... Exactly what am I to be expected to be able to do about it?

Let's see I am the one who has to be able to lift and move him. Yet I'm getting to the point I'm so worn out that when I attempt to I feel like I'm either going to drop him, fall on him, or just shaking him around too much as trying tolift him onto the bed or possition him as he wants to be in the chair or on the couch. Have to get up with him at night to help him go potty as I have to hold him up, or just to reposition him as he's become uncomfortable where he is laying. Next issue, I have been unemployed save for part time as able to go, since he was diagnosed. This is because I cannot leave it on my wife to attempt to take care of both kids one who just doesn't stop, and the other needs to be fully cared for at the present time. She can't lift him or move him by herself, and he really can't help. My son keeps getting up throughout the night,and takes longer andlonger naps during the day. While my daughter sleeps like a rock all night and refuses to take even a small nap during the day. So where am I to take even a small break and get any rest at all?

My father-In-Law is fussing that I need to "Get off my ass, and get a job." Even though I already have one that is able and willing to work with my scheduling needs when I can actually go in. Now this adds extra stress on me, as if I don't have enough already, since he doesn't seem to want to help unless it's on his terms. At least not on the home side front here. He comes home from work, and rather than attempting to find something to do/ or even watch something on TV as a family, he heads straight to his bedroom and if we are lucky we see him long enough for him to fuss about something or say good night to the kids. Now don't get me wrong he has been a wonderful help in other aspects.

I also understand where he's coming from with the need to get a job that I can better work the hours, but inorder for me to do that I need to know for a fact that my wife has help with the kids while I'm at work. Otherwise I'd get the money together and finish my CDL training and go to work in trucking. Then I know we could get everything settled withiin 6 months at the most.

I know I need to be able toi work more. Hell I have a student loan to make payments on, Child Support ( since my ex and her hubby won't get a move on and complete the adoption they asked for) of more than $300 per month that I'm behind on, as well as all other normal bills. So yes I already know I need to get back to work. So any ideas while my son is so sick that he literally has to be lifted and held just so he can piss mush less get dressed or move from seat to table?

The kids won't stop fighting. Silly stuff... One wants the radio on and the other doesn't. Ten minutes later they change what they want. The one who wanted it on now wants it off,and the one who didn't wantit now wants toleave it on. This of course is just one example. Many, many more. Some about whogets to sit where, who gets to play with what toy, you get the idea.

I have to handle the taxes, keeping track of needs, helping in every way possible. I really am trying to do everything that I can, but it seems that every time I turn around nomatter how much I try to help or what I've done...I either haven't done enough, haven't done it right, forgot to do something that was apparently really important that I don't even remember being told about.

Don't get me wrong I know my wife has a lot going on too. She's the one dealing with the Dr.'s, keeping track of who says what, what family member wants what questions asked, what the responses to those questions are, trying to put up with the same issues with the kids trying to kill each other as best they can as I have to. How she keeps up, puts up with all of this, and me getting shorter and shorter and temper, having trouble even holding myself up much less the kids. I'm actually somewhat surprised she hasn't picked up a baseball bat, beat the hell out of me, and told me to leave yet... Course maybe that's because we're here at St. Jude again instead of at home with her trusty Louisville Slugger.... Who knows?

I truly love my family more than anything. I'm courious though as to exactly how far a person can push themselves mentally and physically without any real rest or break before they actually crack and fall?

And on we go.....

2010-01-28T13:18:00.002-05:00

Well here we goon another roller coaster ride. Found out yesterday that the reason we seem to not be showiung improvement is because the areas we were told is Necrosis is actually a cist that hasbeen in the center of the tumor since the beginning. Now we have to decide what we are going to do. An option is another surgery. This one will drain the cist thereby reducing the the swelling and the damaged area.

So now I have to wonder... If this cist has been there since the beginning why are we just now hearing about it with all the Dr's that have already viewed the scans? I mean that many people who are supposed toknow what they're looking at, why didn't they see this before? Guess we'll figure all that out when we go to our appointments today.

Beyond tired.....

2010-01-24T14:27:00.002-05:00

Well here we are back at Grizzlies House on St. Jude campus in Memphis. We had to come back for an emergency shunt surgery for my son. After two nights in the hospital we spent last night here in the room together. He seems disoriented when he wakes from sleeping be it nap or long night sleep. Kelly is also down not feeling well, and our daughter is into everything as always. I'm getting to the point that to call this exhaustion would be an understatement. How long can a personkeep going after they've gotten to the point that they can't stop shaking doing simple task like lifting a spoon to your son's mouth so he can eat?

I believe they may be moving us back to Ronald McDonald House tomorrow, but I am not certain. Hopefully we will know something more after the MRI tomorrow. In the meantime everyone have a wonderful day.

And sparks went flying!!

2010-01-18T13:46:00.002-05:00

WOW!! Ok second day on the road heading back to St. Jude to have asurgery done to put a shunt in my son's head we head a small problem. Now here we sit third day at a hotel that was not part of our planned stops and less than half way to our destination. Seventy miles an hour and SNAP!!! the sparks were flying, and our own rear tire was trying to pass us while slapping against the passenger side of the Jeep.

So now we are waiting for the shop to replace the rear end of the Jeep, and hopefully have the truck back today so we can be back on the road tomorrow morning. In the mean time we are trying to figure out how to get lunch without going broke. If anyone would like moreinformation about what's happening check out his web site http://www.helpingmrelric.com/ .

Here I go again...

2010-01-14T13:30:00.002-05:00

Well it seems the job I found isn't going to work out. I need to be able to work a schedule that will allow me to help with Dr. visits and such. So I may be trying to go back to delivering Pizzas for the time being. Then I can work evenings instead of days. At least then the only major thing I'd not be here to help with is bedtime, and we can find a way to work something out for that.

I think what I'm going to attempt to do if I can get back to delivery is put aside a set amount from each shift worked as far as tips go, add that to whatever we miraculously get from tax returns, and hold it apart from everything else so we can use that to move and make ends meet while I do the CDL Training to go on the road as a trucker. As I said before I feel very confident that once I can get my CDL and start trucking it should only be a matter of six to eight months before we can get everything on a perfectly even keel allowing us to move out and get our own place.

That seems to be about it for my ranting for now. We'll see what happens as the day progresses. I guess it will all depend on how my father in law acts when he gets home today. Will he be decent or a dick like he was yesterday?

WOW!! I'm way behind...

2010-01-12T10:51:00.002-05:00

Well it seems I'm really slipping on the daily update and post thing. LOL... Well anyone who knows what's happening should understand. We've been busy trying to maintain and keep things going for my son. A lot of time at the Dr. since Friday, and still more coming up.

I got up this morning after having to take off Friday and yesterday, and I went in to work. Only to see a new face there and be told I was not expected in today. I have to either go in late or take the day off tomorrow because of more Dr.'s appointments, and have to leave early on Friday for the same. Anyone who has been following knows that what I really would like to do and feel would be most beneficial for my family is go to work as a trucker. Still I am basically a gofer at a local mechanic shop.

The problem is I can't leave my family for that long to complete training with a company that may or may not understand the situation and be willing to work with my scheduling needs. At least not right now. If my son were doing better than perhaps it would be an option. If he wasn't sick at all then I would have already started down this path and we would not still be living with my Father In Law. Alas that is not the hand we were dealt. I managed to find somewhere that would understand what is happening and work with my scheduling needs. Problem is this is not going to make the bills if I can't figure something out. I'm considering maybe I should go back to delivering pizza since they are open later and perhaps I could work out a schedule that would allow me to pull more hours in the hopes of making ends meet. Problem is then I abandon my lovely wife to have to tend to both kids at bed time.

Normally this should be easy, but my son is sleeping downstairs on the couch because we just can't get him up the stairs. It would be too dangerous for him to try. My daughter has to go upstairs to her bed for night night time. So arrises the question. If I'm not here to help, then how does she get one upstairs and not have to leave the other alone. Especially during the times that my Father In Law is traveling and won't be there to help. At the same time... This is the only way I can think of to stop cutting our own throats by having to miss available work hours to be able to help. The more I think about this the worse it's getting. I feel like I'm in one of those positions of "damned if you do and damned if you don't". So what the hell am I to do? I need to work enough to cover bills, but I can't leave it to fall on my wife to have to do everything. Basically I'm lost, and the longer this takes to figure out, the more stressed I'm getting about it.

My son's Birthday Update...

2010-01-08T00:30:00.002-05:00

Well today was my son's birthday. Eight years old! We asked him after dinner just before getting ready to take his meds if he'd had a good day, and we were about floored when he said "no". Seems that in spite of everything he got better for a while during the time we were at St. Jude, and now he is getting.... well worse again. He's having trouble walking. Some difficulty forming his words. He has also developed a slight .... tremor or jerkiness on his left side when trying to use his left arm now.

He got up this morning doing well, and quickly faded. He is becoming tired very rapidly after little movement or exertion. Worst of all he gagged on his meds this evening so had to have a snack before bed in order to refill his tummy due to the loss of his dinner, birthday cake, and ice cream.... Many things that I would like to say on this part, but I shall refrain as I know I offend enough people already. I am trying to keep from doing that as much any more.

And search goes on....

2010-01-06T10:33:00.002-05:00

Well here I sit having pretty much exhausted all numbers in the phone book for local Courier jobs. Still wishing I could make things come together so as I could persue the CDL job since I honestly believe that is the best way to be able to bring it all together and fully support my family. Of course when you have a CDL Learner's, but can't afford the schooling your options are limited. When you have a child with medical needs your oprtions are even further limited by the need to work around a certain schedule.

I want to get my family out of here and moved to Memphis area. Once we could do that I would be able to relax my scheduling needs because they would be right by the hospital they will be traveling to every eight weeks anyway. Plus we could then have all of his visits, both monthly check ups and the eight week visits all in the same place. Problem is I need the founding to be able to get the move done, a garantee of being able to find a job that will allow me to cover bills and necessities after the move, and if I could find the funding to cover houshold needs as well as my personal needs for the time of training I could cover all of that.

The way I have it figured is simple. Most Trucking companies start a driver out around $33,000 to $35,000 a year. Now this is an average so it could be lower, but depending on if you can show promise and the fact of being worth your weight likely you could make more than that. so if you figure it up simply at say 25 cents per mile to start. Average work day is 14 hours with 11 hours of drive time the other 3 hours are reserved for Pre Trip vehichle inspection, weigh stations ( scales ), Stops for meals and fuel, etc. etc. So let's say your stuck on the East Coast. Average speed after you figure Changes from state to state of 55-70 miles per hour we'll say an average of 60 miles per hour for all drive time. 11 hours a day times 60 miles per hour, equals an average of 660 miles per day. General drive before required time reset will average about 6 days then one day sitting so 660 times 6 is equal to approximately 3,960 miles per week. (Now of course this is an approximation most likely for a new driver the miles will be a bit lower, but I'm looking at possible averages here.) So back to the estimate. At 3,960 miles per week paid at 25 cents per mile we could easily say that one could average (as a new driver) a gross pay of approximately $990 per week. In rough estimate that is the equivilant of rough twice the salary of a new hire with almost any non commercial job or about what most people even after a couple years of service might average for a paycheck every two weeks. Also if you happen to pull that high end average it is the equivilant of $51,480 a year. So yes that is a high estimate of milage since the most any CDL Trucking company will promise to get you in is $33,000 to $35,000 per year.

However, I do have experience as an OTR Frieght Courier using Cargo Vans, Box Trucks, and even personal vehichles as an independent contract courier. So I feel confident that I could easily average the high end of a new hire salary and then some. I have the experience, the drive, desire, and determination to succeed. I just simply need the opportunity to prove myself and obtain my CDL. Anyone out there have any ideas as to how one could legally obtain about $2,000 to hold themselves and family over for about 2 months while waiting for a proper income to begin flowing?

And the search is truly on

2010-01-03T22:30:00.002-05:00

Sunday evening and aside from a massive headache all seems well. Ok so here's where I stand now. We have conclusively decided that we need to get out of this house, and want to move to the Memphis area. Of course this means I need to find a job that will certainly allow me to make enough money to cover bills as well as all other needs. I have a phone interview tomorrow, that I would like to believe is promising...

The problem is going to be this.. How can I take a job driving truck over the road knowing how difficult it will be to get them to work with my scheduling needs so long as we are living here.. Two States away from where we need to be? I fully believe that this is the type of position I need to make things happen. Not just happen, but also happen quickly. So that means that simply put I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I feel the need to be here right with my family at all times especially while my son is going through what he is. On the other hand I absolutely must get my family out of here and into our own home. That is where the home needing to be in Memphis comes in. It's there right by St. Jude so my family is as close as possible to where we need to be for my son. I would be able to relax my scheduling needs due to that fact. Which would allow me the ability to pursue any job I needed to in order to make ends meet.

On the down side. The only way we will be able to get there is with either a lot of help from friends and family, or for me to take a job in trucking. I am an experienced freight courier in either a cargo van or up to 19 foot box truck. I still need to go in as inexperienced for trucking as I do not have a CDL Class A only a CDL Learner's Permit. I do however, feel very strongly that not only can I do this and be able to give my family everything they need. I also believe that within 3 - 5 years ( if it takes that long ) I can get us the rest of the way out of debt and set comfortably enough that I can return to just doing a local job somewhere by the house.

So now the true search begins with many things to consider. First if I can land a Trucking job, then am I strong enough to deal with being away from home and family as much as I will have to in order to make it work. Secondly I have to consider the ability to work around strenuous scheduling needs for at least the first 3 - 6 months of employment while gathering the funds to find a home and move my family. Then come the concerns that will need to be faced after the move is completed so therefore have to be considered while looking. Are the school systems good? Is the neighborhood safe for my wife and children? Will they have everything they need while I'm not there?

So many things to consider. In spite of everything that we need to carefully plan to make this work, I truly do not think I can wait any longer to take action and start putting this together. My only prayer is that my family understands that even though I may not truly want to do it this way. I am convinced that this is the best and most sure way to make this happen quickly.

Good Saturday Morning!

2010-01-02T11:00:00.003-05:00

Having a bit of a confusing day today. Well I filled out some applications on job posting web sites last night. Each marked with the desire to change location and where we would like to move to. Hopefully one of the companies I applied at will be able and willing to help me complete my CDL and work with my scheduling needs. The way I have it figured if we can move to Memphis and be closer to St. Jude then I wont have to be so particular about my scheduling needs because we'll be right there where we need to be. I still need to make certain that I can be home for at least three days at a time a minimum of once a month even once we can get moved to Memphis. However in the meantime, until we can move there I have to be home in a rotation of at least 3 days a month for Dr.'s appointments, and every eight weeks I have to be home for a week at a time for the follow up visits to St. Jude for check ups and basic "how are we doing" MRI visits. I still think it will difficult at best to find a company that can work with these needs, but I am trying to remain optomistic and going to fill out the applications and talk to the companies anyway in hopes that all will work out for the best. I have to do what is right for my family, and just accepting a job to have a job is not going to be it. I am going to need to insure I can cover the bills and care for my family as needed, which means I need something that will allow me to earn enough so we can get our own place, keep from going back further into debt, and get out of the house we live in currently. We'll see what happens. Everyone wish me luck, and we'll see if some of the trucking companies out there will be as understanding as I believe they will be.

My New Years Wish

2009-12-31T23:01:00.003-05:00

That's right I said wish not resolution. I figure it like this. Every year people make a list of New Years Resolutions. All of these resolutions end up broken within days or weeks. Once in a while you can find the rare person who made it through the first couple of months of the year before breaking and having forgotten that it was a resolution anyway. So this year I am going to make a couple of New Years Wishes.

Since returning home from St. Jude my son has started getting worse again. Sadly it was like the moment we walked in the door to our home someone flipped a switch and he started refusing to do things for himself, he started staggering again when walking, and the bad attitude and misbehavior has returned as if we never went to Memphis and made the progress that we did. With that said my first New Years wish is that my son start getting better again.

Now as I have said in the past, all of us felt more comfortable and seemed to get along better while we were in Memphis. Of course, this leads into my second New Years Wish. I wish that we could somehow get things together and come up with the necesary funds to be able to move to Memphis and either purchase or rent to own a home that would meet our needs. I actually found one when doing an on-line search for homes in that area, but the agent hasn't returned my calls.

Obviously to go with the first two wishes I have to be able to follow up with one or two more. So here it is quick and simple. I wish to be able to quickly find a job that I can be comfortable with and allow me to support as well as spend time with my family once we get to Memphis, or be able to open my detailing business once we get there.

My final wish for the New Year is all incompasing. I wish for everyone to have a wonderful New Year! May 2010 bring joy and happiness to everyone. May the New Year be the upswing to what appears to be another depression in the U.S. Lastly I hope that significant progress can be made in the study of and search for renewable or green energy sources as well as significant advances in the fields of Scientific and Research studies.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Should a new year mean a new beginning?

2009-12-31T00:50:00.003-05:00

Well at least I'm remaining consistant with the every couple of days thing. Anyway I was having a few stray thoughts. It seems we were all more comfortable when we were in Memphis, and after all Memphis is where my son's primary Dr. for his Cancer treatment is located. So I got a bit of a wire going this evening and looked up homes for sale or rent in the Memphis area. Now I am a firm believer in things no matter how insignificant they may seem happen for a reason. I found a home in exactly the area we were looking to get to if we moved for a fairly affordable price... That is if by some miracle we could come up with the down payment...

I honestly think the move would be good for my family, and would allow us all some peace of mind and well being. I just wonder how in the world we could possibly come up with the down payment. Figuring up the monthly payment we could easily afford it so long as I can find something working at least 30-40 hours a week at no less than $9.50 an hour. As an experienced freight courier I should be able to find that easily enough. So my question is. If an opportunity presents itself, and a person can figure out a way to make it work.... Should the beginning of a new year also be a new beginning entirely? I mean a change of residence, employment, and complete change of lifestyle. Just a wayward thought to be pondered.

I'm slacking!!

2009-12-28T22:02:00.002-05:00

Grrr ok getting a bit frustrated with myself now. Apparently I can't even keep it together for a full week to post daily. Well again I'm two days after my latest post. This time however, I have a bit better news to share. I start a new job tomorrow. Not exactly what I was looking for, but it is work, and the owner understands and accepts my scheduling needs. This works out as beneficial to both of us since he needed someone to cover an opening, and I needed something to provide at least a meager income while we feel things out in the transition of coming home and getting adjusted to our new needs.

My boy is doing well. Aside from a bit of nasty attitude, and seeming to get a little worse since we've been home. However we were told this might happen and that the swelling should recede again soon. In the meanwhile he was put back on the steroids to relieve the swelling. Next week we go for Physical Theropy and Speech Evals with the local Dr.'s whome we have already asked to contact his physicians at St. Jude so that St. Jude is the facility in control of his treatment.

Hopefully I won't be too tired or strained tomorrow and can post to say how the day went. For the time being I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and thoughts for my son and my family. Just remember when you go to the gas station or the grocery store and someone is asking you if you would like to donate a dollar to St. Jude and put your name on a balloon or sneaker or something like that. The hospital really does get that money, and you never know. I pray it never happens, but you just never know if one day you may need to call on them as we have.

The Day After Christmas

2009-12-26T12:46:00.002-05:00

For obvious reasons I haven't posted the past couple of days. It was family time. Christmas is over and now the fun begins. Toys everywhere kids having fun. Mommy and Daddy trying to remember where their heads are and keep everything cleaned up. Still the good news is we made it through the past couple of days with no major incidents. For now I suppose that's the best we can hope for. Take things a day at a time and pray for the best. In the next couple of days I have to seriously begin hunting the job market again. Time to go back to working for someone else, and pray they understand my circumstances and will work with my scheduling needs without giving me too much of a hard time about it. Good luck on that. The economy sucks, everything in shambles. Finding a job will be hard enough. Finding one that will be understanding? This is going to be a friggin' blast. Anyone know of a trucking company that will pay as you train, and work with a schedule of having to be home to take care of a child for a week at a shot every eight weeks without fail? Or perhaps a courier company that can understand you have to take off every eight weeks for a week? At this point I'm almost willing to go as an independent contract courier paid by the mile as long as they can work with my schedule and provide good milage. My truck can handle it. I just need to add a shell or get a trailer so I can haul larger loads.

Almost ready for the big day!

2009-12-23T23:15:00.002-05:00

Well tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Cookies are done. Most of the stuff for Christmas Eve snacks/dinner is done.. I mean aside from what has to actually be cooked that is. Hopefully the kids will be happy. It looks like everything is pretty much ready for Santa.

Had a good day aside from the earlier headache issues. My son went to sleep without too much of a fight. He did try to convince Mommy that he needed her to brush his teeth because he couldn't do it. In the end he took care of it himself. Both kids are sleeping good, and anxiously awaiting the day after tomorrow.

Me?... I'm still wondering what to do about employment. I mean I have to be very careful to make sure it is somewhere that can work with my scheduling needs. Yet, at the same time I know what I would like to do as I am certain that it is the best way to support my family. Honestly I think if I could get my CDL I can get things set in a way that I could pull three to five years as a Long Haul Driver and then go local only and be able to cover everything the way it needs to be covered. Then again who knows. Maybe if I can pull off waiting till after the first of the year to attempt to find something I may be able to get something that I can be at least semi comfortable with and make ends meet.

Enough about that. Remember the holidays are upon us. Everyone have a happy holiday season whatever it is you celebrate. And by the way... If any of you have the power... Someone please send snow this way. I really would like for my kids to have a true White Christmas.

Starting something new....

2009-12-23T13:05:00.002-05:00

Ok I'm going to start using this blog as sort of a journal for what's going on with my son as well as my normal rants. This is being done to make it easier for me to keep track of things as they are happening.

I was just informed by my son that he is having headaches and blurred/ double vision that comes and goes. If it's close up he sees only one, but at a distance he sees double or more. The headaches he says his head is hurting in the back, but this also comes and goes. We will be keeping close watch so do not be surprised if there are multiple entries per day when I am at home.

A small thank you

2009-12-22T15:02:00.003-05:00

I know it's not much, but I would like to say thank you to those who commented on my post of another try. I visited the site link provided, and was amazed at some of the information I found. I am happy and yet at the same time sad to know that there are others out there who know what our family is going through. To those of you who have not experienced this I say that I am happy for you. I do not mean this in a sarcastic manner. The feelings, stress, and other issues that develop with this kind of situation in your life is not something I would wish on even my worst enemy. For now I hope that everyone has a wonderful evening, and thank you for reading.

Three Days till Christmas!!

2009-12-22T12:11:00.002-05:00

So far the day has started out ok. The kids are playing video games. Fighting over them, but playing none the less. I've managed to run the dishwasher, put everything away, and even cleared the sink out. Apparently I get to go crawl around under the trucks today even though I was originally intending to go speak with the mechanic who did the work on my truck while I was in Memphis to say thank you and inquire about a part time job since who told me he'd lost a mechanic. All to no avail. This is why I don't try to make plans anymore. Everyone else already has plans for me.

Of course I don't I'm not sure why I'm even considering looking for a job right now. It's three days before Christmas! Three days before the end of the buying and the beginning of the returns. Which means about three weeks before everyone starts letting go the help that was hired for the holiday season, and returns to base staff. Do you really think I'm going to find anything worth while right now? I mean heaven knows with everything that's been going on I certainly don't have much I can do. I can't try to run my business. The weather and season pretty much mean even if anyone wanted a vehichle detailed there's a chance I get sick. I can't afford to get sick, and even if I could I can't be around anyone in the family if I do. With my son's treatments and the chemo I can't risk anyone else getting sick especially not him. So option number one is out. I can't afford the Driving School to finish my CDL training so option number two is out. If by some freak chance I could find a Tracter Trailer company willing to hire me with my CDL Learner's and be able to earn as I learn the chances of them working with my scheduling needs so I can be home for a week every eight weeks is very slim so option number three is out. Seems that I just can't get anything right. Well at least I have plenty to rant about.

Sadly most of what I have to rant about right now sounds more like complaining. I can't support my family without a job. I can't get a job if I can't go out looking, and even if I could go out right now. No one seems to be hiring for what I can do right off the bat. I would love to get on with a Trucking Company, but most of them are frozen for the holidays, and those that aren't on a hiring freeze won't return my calls. Even if they do I'm told that I don't have the experiance and they don't have a training program currently. So again where does that leave me? As I see it.... It seems that I am currently useless to my family. I am here and that's about all I can be. No job, no income, no prospects..... Any thoughts?

Here's to another try....

2009-12-21T18:45:00.002-05:00

Well it seems that I managed to stop blogging last year, and didn't even attempt to keep up with things as life took hold and threw me another curve ball. Basically I am going to try starting this thing over again. If you've read in the past you know I cover all types of subjects and comments are welcome.

I have to wonder if anyone out there has ever for no reason what-so-ever just felt completely useless. I don't mean like " hey I'm down in the dumps" type of thing. I mean just outright "what the hell am I doing, I can't seem to get anything right no matter how hard I try" that feeling.

Ahh but now I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's recap the past few months. My son was diagnosed with D.I.P.G. ( Diffused Intrensic Pontine Glioma ). Roughly put my 7 year old has brain cancer, but not just any brain cancer. This one is rare and inoperable. He was accepted into a clinical trial study at St. Jude. During the time we were there in Memphis all though the situation was bad, I still felt like I was at home and where I belonged. As soon as we crossed the state line coming home... Well I started to feel like I was out of place. Like I was returning to a place that I just don't fit in and probably never will. I sit here at home trying to determine what I'm going to do about supporting my family. I really want to finish my CDL training at get my Class A License, but I have two problems there. One I can't afford the school right now and two I really can't see myself spending that much time away from home while my son is going through everything that he is. So back to my original question. Have you ever just felt completely useless and out of place?